behindbrowneyes

I am in love with the earth. I am mesmerized by people. I have had my heart broken and I love to write. This account is my breathing space. It is where I write whats on my mind. This is truth. This is what goes on behind my big brown eyes.

For too long I dated a man that did not know how to love. And believe me it was not worth the time and energy put in. to be with someone who is incapable of love is tiring. i was constantly sad constantly lonely. The reason of parting was due to his unfaithfulness or in plain english he lied and cheated.

i believe that we as humans are all capable of love. however if we are persueing a cheap love built on fear and holding onto a person we will find ourselves being more lonely than ever.

to paint a picture. love does not scare you into making a desision. it does not leave you hanging when you need support, it dose not mean flirting and constantly using other girls to fill yourself up.

love is patient love is kind. it does not envy or boast. it is respectful.

it is very hard to be with someone who cannot stop continously checking out other women.

i know that if i could do it all again i would. it was not worth losing my best friend, my closest companion for something that in the end took advantage of me and left me to die. harsh?? maybe so but at the same time when i was forced into a position I did not want to be in i call that emotional abuse.

so in a sense heres a tribute on what would have been two years. yes i know that you are enjoying your cheap girls with their willingness to fool around with you but you my friend i believe are the one being left more empty than ever.

it would be fair to say you have no heart. you are a killer and a fast one at that. for anyone who cannot mourn a life is sick.

but hey, congrat. enjoy your life filled with hollow people and cheap sex. alcohol can only fill so much my friend and you can only be high for so long until you need to face reality. so let it take you years. thats fine.

i guess if i could take it back i would. but i still believe you would have turned into the same hollow excuse of a person you did.

since when is a guy a hero for cheating on a girlfriend of two years? when is it okay to abuse someone past the piont of return? so enjoy his lies for now girl. but he’ll do to you what he did to me and then i guess i can say “i told you so”

this is what i pray for. what i hope for. that maybe after everything that has happened we can put our differences aside and just be. i left one person and came back another. and i hope that in that we can understand to be okay. you’re goin to have to try. that what life is about. nothing will ever be handed down to you. you are going to have to care. and i promise that when you start to understand/heal/live for something of importance(whatever that may be) you will find true joy, real happiness. i have touched joy, felt rays of happiness and that is how i know, we’ll be okay we are going to be okay.. believe that is true. not sure of how that will look. but you know that right?

this is what i pray for. what i hope for.

that maybe after everything that has happened we can put our differences aside and just be.

i left one person and came back another. and i hope that in that we can understand to be okay.

you’re goin to have to try. that what life is about. nothing will ever be handed down to you. you are going to have to care.

and i promise that when you start to understand/heal/live for something of importance(whatever that may be) you will find true joy, real happiness.

i have touched joy, felt rays of happiness and that is how i know, we’ll be okay

we are going to be okay.. believe that is true. not sure of how that will look. but you know that right?

(Source: black-board)

of no importance.

today..

i never believed that a place so farmiliar could be so empty. ands it weird because i always believed this place would be safe.

i started taking trails you and i so many times walked down. i was overwhelmed with memories. of this happening there and that happening here.
you consumed my thoughts and it hurt to breathe.

i havent seen you yet or talked to you but i am already nervous. how do you face the person who helped bring you to such a low. i am not going to lie it bothers me that after everything i have done for you you cannot even acknowledge me now that i am home

i am not who i was when i packed my bags.and left.

in fact i dont always know who i am. becuase i am still very broken. but i have found someone else to rely on. someone who will never let me down.

i think that right now i am writing for venting sake. i do not understand how you can be totally fine. in fact i hate that you are. i wish that for five seconds you could actually feel. but maybe you cant because if you did feel the pain would kill you. its a kind of pain that you must be strong to handle. to fully understand you need to be able to actually be in touch with your feelings. maybe i am wrong. maybe you have been feeling but i doubt it. even as i type this i think about what i say as so not to offend. as to not hurt you. but i pray that you are above that pettiness of not talking to me because i posted about you.

some days i want to scream and tell the whole world about what you did to me. how you forced your way. how you cheated. and yet i know that i never will. that what you did had nothing to do with me and everything to do with you. and maybe in those minutes of wanting to scream but not i have started to heal. i have been the bigger person and respected you, even when you disrespected me. i hope that you can appreciate that.

i cant destinguish if i am mad or sad and they seems to be shown the same way in me. i am sad was walked on and treated for the fool. i am also sad that you promised to be my best friend and yet you arent here. that makes me mad. to give you the world and you so easily not care. but then again somethings never change and maybe i just have to admit that that is who you are.

i so badly want to be myself again.. i know its possible. i know i will heal